The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
