I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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