And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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