Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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