I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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