is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
