omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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