i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
