I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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