I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
