guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
