It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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