I can text with my tongue
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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