haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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