The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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