Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
