she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He shit in the fireplace
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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