How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
