I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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