Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
