I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
