Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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