Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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