I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
