Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Alive.
So much puke
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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