I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
