nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
