At least make sure they are 18
Why
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
