i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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