I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i drank out of a bidet.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
