He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
