Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
