Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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