I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
