I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
