There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
