i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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