Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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