There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
