He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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