i jhust puked up my retainher.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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