the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
