It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
