i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
