just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
