do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
