Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
