we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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