yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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