Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
